Why?

First of all allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cheryl. I am a mother of 5 (kind of). My oldest is my step son Wes. He is 24 years old. The next one is Kirsten. She is 19 going on 20 in July. Her, I had to give up for adoption. She has had a wonderful life. Next child is Jonathan. He is 18 and going to be a senior this year. Next child is Barbara (we call her Bobbie). She is 17, and a pain in my backside, she also has gender issues. My youngest is Miles and he is 10 going on 11 in September. He is trying to grow up so fast. My husband Alan is my second husband. The father of my 3 youngest is my first husband. His name is Tim and just as big a pain as Bobbie. They are only the beginning (and minor) part of my stress level. I guess my biggest problem is not knowing how to let go of things. My sister tells me I have to learn to push past things, but that's easier said than done. I have always had a problem with people. I love people, but it seems like I get burned by so many of them. So how am I suppose to go on trusting people if I keep getting burned. For example: growing up I was that kid that everyone loved to make fun of. I was that kid that other's would say one thing to, but then in reality they would do another. I was that kid that everyone talked about behind their backs, and then they would pretend that nothing ever happened. To this day, I still have problems with that. I see co-workers having conversations with each other through emails, so that I won't know what they are talking about. Or I will see them go into an office and talk, but as soon as I come around the conversations stop. I mean, come on now. We are all adults here. Another problem I seem to have is not having a true female friend. Every single time I try something always happens between us that is unforgiveable and we no longer remain friends. My sister is my closest friend right now and I wouldn't trade her for the world, but sometimes a girl just needs other fremales to hang out with. Maybe it's because I have NEVER had a true friendship with either one of my mother's. I was adopted. I lived with my birth mother until I was at the age of about 5 or 6 and then from there I was in the system until the age of 8 when the couple that would later become my parents took me, my brother and my sister in. We were later finally adopted when I was 12 years old. I have never had a relationship with my birth mother even after getting to meet her again in 1991 when I was 21 years old. I found out then why we could not stay living with her, and believe me when I say it would NOT have been a good childhood at all if we had. I am glad for the life that I have had with my parents, but our way of thinking is totally opposite and that is what has caused a lot of our friction. My father passed away in 1993. I miss him so much sometimes. I lost my brother 5 years ago from kidney failure. Him I really miss all of the time. But me and my mother have really never seen eye to eye on a lot of things. As a matter of fact just recently we have started talking again after not speaking to each other since my marriage to my first husband and I broke up. My mother is old fashioned Catholic and does not believe in divorce, nor does anyone on her side of the family. My first marriage broke up because my ex was becoming extremely verbally abusive and I couldn't take it anymore. I told him that I didn't want to be married anymore and that until I could afford a place of my own I was going to start dating. I did start dating and that is when I met my current husband. We started dating and it was getting pretty serious when about 1 month into the relationship my ex kicked me out of the house, and away from my children. He then ran to my mother and lied right to her face. He told her that I had taken off. That I didn't want to be a mother. I was devastated because SHE BELIEVED HIM! That was 10 1/2 years ago. We are finally talking again. But back to my relationship with co-workers...as we speak 3 of them are in a office and laughing and joking about nonsense. Most of it I am sure is because of my feelings and the fact that I am blogging my feelings. Why do people have to be so mean? I mean isn't blogging just like keeping a diary? Why can't the entire world just be nice to each other? Why can't people not tease, or poke fun at other people? So what if I am not one of those people that believe in being crazy happy and laughing all of the time? So what if I just like to feel neutral? Just because I don't have a massive dramatic? Why should you have to be dramatic just to make everyone else happy? I could go one with the questions, but I will save it for later. This is just the beginning of some of the things that bother me.