O.k. Let me start out, by saying that I am definitely not on here nearly enough. I am dealing with so many different things right now you just can't imagine. I talk most of the time with a co-worker that I can trust, but before long she won't be closing with me anymore and I will have a new co-worker that I will be closing with, and it is definitely to soon to tell if I can trust her with secrets or not. That will have to be something that will have to be observed first. Lately I have been dealing with my manager a lot. I don't think that she really knows how to talk to me like a grown adult. Since when is it o.k. to talk to a 39 year old woman like she's 12? I mean come on now. Let's grow up. Then I have to turn around and deal with the same attitude from my husband. I get tired of people accusing me of things. Usually it's either stuff I haven't done and they are saying that I did, or it's stuff I did do and they are saying that I didn't. Like tonight for instance. My husband went into the kitchen to get a second helping of dinner and that is when I was done eating so I just went ahead and took my plate in the kitchen and put it in the sink. Later when I went to get up and go wash the dishes he started complaining that I didn't take his plate into the kitchen when I took mine. I told him that I had taken my plate into the kitchen while he was getting a second plate and he had the adacity to look me in the eye and tell me that no I hadn't. HOW WOULD HE KNOW?!?!?! HE WASN'T EVEN PAYING ATTENTION!!!!!!! Same thing at work: The ATM or the Vault (don't remember which now) was off. The ATM had to buy money from the vault, so of course tickets have to be made. Each for the same amount. One IN ticket from the ATM and one OUT ticket from the vault. Sheri accused me of running 2 out tickets for the same amount to the ATM. Why would I do something like that? When I told her that I hadn't she said then why is there 2 of them in Image Research? I don't know the answer to that, but I know for sure that I DID NOT run 2 out tickets from the vault. There is no purpose for that. Jack Henry is very good at messing up all the time. There have been times before where they have screwed up my work, I get accused of it only for them to eventually find out that I was telling the truth. Then after all of this: I have lost my checkbook. I went into my manager's office to ask for advice on what to do, and the only thing that she could say to me is "What's wrong with you lately? You have been going around not knowing how to do certain things that you should know after being here for 6 years". Now you tell me: Does that have anything to do with my checkbook? These are just 2 isolated incodences that I am dealing with. There have been so many other days that she makes me feel so inferier. I told my co-worker that I was at the point today of just throwing my keys at her and walking out that door. Why do people have to be so mean? This is why I wish that I could just be blessed with a life that is financially stable enough that I don't have to work. I want more than anything to be a stay at home mom, but my husband and I can't afford it right now. We have 1 house payment, 2 car payments and 1 child in his senior year (the most expensive) and we still have another child going on 11 so his teen years are right around the corner. I need my job right now. Jobs are so scarce that I just can't afford to quit and find another job. Not to mention thousands of others that are definitely more qualified than I am. So what do I do? On www.dailymile.com I have joined a challenge where you have to have positive thinking for the next 10 days. How am I able to do that when I can't even keep from crying?

Why?

First of all allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cheryl. I am a mother of 5 (kind of). My oldest is my step son Wes. He is 24 years old. The next one is Kirsten. She is 19 going on 20 in July. Her, I had to give up for adoption. She has had a wonderful life. Next child is Jonathan. He is 18 and going to be a senior this year. Next child is Barbara (we call her Bobbie). She is 17, and a pain in my backside, she also has gender issues. My youngest is Miles and he is 10 going on 11 in September. He is trying to grow up so fast. My husband Alan is my second husband. The father of my 3 youngest is my first husband. His name is Tim and just as big a pain as Bobbie. They are only the beginning (and minor) part of my stress level. I guess my biggest problem is not knowing how to let go of things. My sister tells me I have to learn to push past things, but that's easier said than done. I have always had a problem with people. I love people, but it seems like I get burned by so many of them. So how am I suppose to go on trusting people if I keep getting burned. For example: growing up I was that kid that everyone loved to make fun of. I was that kid that other's would say one thing to, but then in reality they would do another. I was that kid that everyone talked about behind their backs, and then they would pretend that nothing ever happened. To this day, I still have problems with that. I see co-workers having conversations with each other through emails, so that I won't know what they are talking about. Or I will see them go into an office and talk, but as soon as I come around the conversations stop. I mean, come on now. We are all adults here. Another problem I seem to have is not having a true female friend. Every single time I try something always happens between us that is unforgiveable and we no longer remain friends. My sister is my closest friend right now and I wouldn't trade her for the world, but sometimes a girl just needs other fremales to hang out with. Maybe it's because I have NEVER had a true friendship with either one of my mother's. I was adopted. I lived with my birth mother until I was at the age of about 5 or 6 and then from there I was in the system until the age of 8 when the couple that would later become my parents took me, my brother and my sister in. We were later finally adopted when I was 12 years old. I have never had a relationship with my birth mother even after getting to meet her again in 1991 when I was 21 years old. I found out then why we could not stay living with her, and believe me when I say it would NOT have been a good childhood at all if we had. I am glad for the life that I have had with my parents, but our way of thinking is totally opposite and that is what has caused a lot of our friction. My father passed away in 1993. I miss him so much sometimes. I lost my brother 5 years ago from kidney failure. Him I really miss all of the time. But me and my mother have really never seen eye to eye on a lot of things. As a matter of fact just recently we have started talking again after not speaking to each other since my marriage to my first husband and I broke up. My mother is old fashioned Catholic and does not believe in divorce, nor does anyone on her side of the family. My first marriage broke up because my ex was becoming extremely verbally abusive and I couldn't take it anymore. I told him that I didn't want to be married anymore and that until I could afford a place of my own I was going to start dating. I did start dating and that is when I met my current husband. We started dating and it was getting pretty serious when about 1 month into the relationship my ex kicked me out of the house, and away from my children. He then ran to my mother and lied right to her face. He told her that I had taken off. That I didn't want to be a mother. I was devastated because SHE BELIEVED HIM! That was 10 1/2 years ago. We are finally talking again. But back to my relationship with co-workers...as we speak 3 of them are in a office and laughing and joking about nonsense. Most of it I am sure is because of my feelings and the fact that I am blogging my feelings. Why do people have to be so mean? I mean isn't blogging just like keeping a diary? Why can't the entire world just be nice to each other? Why can't people not tease, or poke fun at other people? So what if I am not one of those people that believe in being crazy happy and laughing all of the time? So what if I just like to feel neutral? Just because I don't have a massive dramatic? Why should you have to be dramatic just to make everyone else happy? I could go one with the questions, but I will save it for later. This is just the beginning of some of the things that bother me.